If you remember from my last column, which named the top three traditions in Southeastern Conference football, I am an ESPN-aholic. I am perfectly okay with that. No 12-step process here.So I thought I would use my addiction for good and not evil/self-destruction and pay tribute to one of ESPN’s best personalities, NFL specialist Chris Berman.
To do that, I am rumblin’-stumblin’-bumblin’ through the top five potential Berman-isms in Alabama athletics. If you’re unfamiliar with a Berman-ism, they can be summed up in gems such as Mike “Pepperoni” Piazza and Alexander “If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be” Wright.
Now, are you ready for some Berman-isms?
No. 5: Soccer defender K.K. and forward Meghan “Teach Me How To” Duffy
So, I’m already cheating by putting two people at one spot, but they’re sisters, so I think you can let this one slide. I will not rest until I get video of these two ladies trying to dougie. As for me, you will never, ever see me dougie. I’m sorry to crush your hopes and dreams. Seeing me dance would be up there in the horrible attempt category with the likes of Rebecca Black’s “Friday”. Do we really want to relive that? I didn’t think so.
No. 4: Varsity rower Kristin “The Answer” Iverson
I love a good A.I. reference. I hope this Iverson won’t take it badly like the actual Allen Iverson, who would probably respond by hitting me with a chair in a bowling alley (he actually did this to someone when he was in high school). But, what we’re really talking about here is practice. Not a game, not a game, not a game. We talkin’ about practice.
No. 3: Men’s cross-country and track runner Moses “Malone” Kiptoo
I chose this Berman-ism for him for a personal reason. I remember doing my first ever story for the CW last year (good times, good times) on Kiptoo. He’s the shy, reserved type, to say the least. He relates to Malone in that aspect. There’s the fact that some people around him called him Moses “Mumbles” Malone due to his well-known tendency to express himself in only grunts whenever possible. Then there’s this story. In Malone’s second season in the ABA, he went to the trainer with a foot injury. Since he wouldn’t actually say anything to the trainer, the trainer couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. Malone quickly said, “Foot broken.” He was right. For the record, this is in no way an insult. I wouldn’t mind having a few things in common with one of the most talented guys to ever play the game of basketball.
No 2: Women’s golfer Brooke “International House of” Pancake.
I’m going to stop here, simply because of my loyal allegiance to Waffle House.
No 1: Football long snapper Carson Tinker: Carson Tinker-bell.
Is it too easy? Probably. But I don’t care. I could see Berman saying this if Tinker makes it to the NFL. To answer the question you’re probably asking: no, I do not have the guts to call him this to his face. Tinker is a very, very big man. He could probably eat me. As a general rule, I try to stay away from any confrontation with anyone coached by Nick Saban. No matter how many times I run that through my head, I have yet to run into a situation where this ends positively for me.
If anyone of these actually caught on, I could die happy. Now, Mr. Berman, if you want to help me with that resume I sent in…
