The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.

CW commenter solves country’s healthcare issues

In his online response to a Crimson White column last week, a commenter solved the problems caused by President Barack Obama’s health care policy.  Known by the pseudonym Jeb, the frequent visitor to the CW website disagreed with the major tenets of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. His extensive rebuke was soon noticed by White House officials, who are now actively tracking and following all of Jeb’s opinions.

Woodlands sued over lack of hot chicks

Jonas Petri, a freshman majoring in advertising, has sued Woodlands Apartments, citing false advertising.

“There are no beautiful girls in bikinis like the ads said,” claims the suit filed in the Tuscaloosa District Court.

Added Petri’s mother, “I did not send my student to a top university in order for him to lose his virginity to an average-looking girl whose usual wardrobe choices cover her chest, legs and stomach.”

Students fight, for the right, to unify

The movement towards unity on campus took another step yesterday when a new student group announced its plans to start a fight club for unity. The club’s first meeting will be held next Wednesday night on the top of the ten Hoor parking deck. The only rule of the club is that you cannot speak about the club, members said.