The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
Since 2005, a UA Parking Services employee, who wishes to remain anonymous, has been tallying the number of walking injuries – most commonly ankle sprains, shin splints and blisters – to determine which day of the week would be declared a wildcard parking day, meaning students could park in whatever zone necessary to prevent further injuries.
This morning, Parking Services announced the most common day for student walking injuries is Tuesday, which will, consequently, now be named “Wildcard Tuesday.”
“Because student safety is such a priority for us at UA, we deemed Tuesday as the day where students could park in any zone they wish,” the employee said. “In fact, students can now park in every zone if they so chose. Now, students won’t have to worry about slipping on curbs or rolling their ankles in potholes while walking to class. At least, not on Tuesdays.”
The news came as great relief for sophomore Andrew Watson-Schantz-Till, who has not attended Tuesday classes during his two years on campus.
“The very first Tuesday I was here, I was walking to class and stubbed my toe on a tree root,” Watson-Schantz-Till said. “It hurt real bad. Since then, I’ve been horrified when it comes to walking across the Quad on Tuesdays. I figured it was best to just stay inside, but now, UA Parking has assured me that I’ll be safe traveling to class on my most dreaded day of the week. I couldn’t ask for more.”
In fact, because the move was so well received across campus, UA Parking Services also announced the implementation of a new policy toward ticketing cars parked in the wrong zones during the rest of the week.
“From now on, our ticketing employees will carry a Magic 8-ball along with their usual gear,” the anonymous employee said. “This way, students who are ticketed can no longer complain that the ticket-givers are too harsh.”
The employee said possible answers from the Magic 8-ball include: “As I see it, yes;” “Without a doubt;” “Reply hazy, try again;” “Absolutely not;” or “My reply is no.”
Denzel Jackson-Freeman, a senior majoring in telecommunication and film, said he was pleased that he may be able to avoid being ticketed for parking in the wrong zones.
“I’ve got a pretty good shot at avoiding a ticket now,” Jackson-Freeman said. “I park in the wrong zones all the time and let me tell you, those $50 tickets add up after a while. Every time I pay it off, I’m losing my grocery money for the week. Now, if the Magic 8-ball so chooses, I’ll be eating lobster and steak instead of pasta noodles.”
The changes will go into effect beginning next week.
