“But they … I should have … this sucks … why don’t they like me?”
This can only be the train of thought every person has when they have just been dumped. If this has just recently happened to you as it has happened to me, then I’m here to tell you one thing: Suck it up. We can get through this together by utilizing the five stages of break-up TV.
Stage one: denial. At first all you can feel is disbelief because they couldn’t have possibly broken up with you. Why would they? You’re awesome. Any and all TV would be good to drown yourself in right now because thinking about the breakup is just too awful. To accompany the mindless eating that will be occurring over the next 24 hours, I suggest “Top Chef: New Orleans.” Somehow watching other people cook always gives me hope that I too can one day not have to cook ramen and cook a real meal.
Stage two: anger. You’re now so mad at that person because they didn’t have the decency to break up with you in person. Meeting their parents meant you got to move onto the next round. However, you did not move onto the next round. In fact, it’s game over, so better luck next time. “The Walking Dead” will be returning Feb. 8, and with the entire group in disarray, there’s no telling who will be killed next. Getting your aggression out by watching zombies get shot in the face with a crossbow seems perfectly healthy to me.
Stage three: bargaining, also known as the “What if?” stage. There are a million scenarios everyone will run through their heads. In each of the scenarios, the outcome will always be the same thing, and you will still be in your PJs from yesterday. (If that’s the case then please change; you’re starting to look like the people of Wal-Mart at 1 a.m.) I’m not a fan of “The Bachelor,” but Juan Pablo does make me ask some pretty promiscuous questions such as, “What if Juan Pablo just happened to take his shirt off?” Now that’s a bargain I’d be willing to make.
Stage four: depression. Dysfunction has a name, and its name is “Shameless.” Sex, drugs and paying the toll at the El train in South Side, Chicago, are all in a day’s work at the Gallagher house. When I’m depressed, I don’t want to watch some sappy romantic movie. Instead, I prefer to numb my pain with laughter. Any show that can feature an alcoholic father, a drug-dealing son, a daughter who is just trying to make ends meet and can still have me tearing up from laughing so hard is good in my book.
Stage five: acceptance. The final step is very important in the healing process: the moment when you start wearing makeup/dressing up again and stop wearing pants that only have an elastic waistband. “Sex and the City” may not be a new show, but it will never go out of style. Every day on the E! network, reruns are shown in the afternoon, and even though I have seen every episode at least three times, I learn something new every time I watch. So go out into the world now and expect the unexpected.
