Nothing speaks to one’s enduring sense of hope quite like a new year. The turning of the calendar brings with it an entire host of new possibilities. Chances at new classes, new relationships and goals are par for the course, or, at least, we would like to believe as such.
Along with the rest of these new possibilities comes the hope that many gamers express over the slate of new games to be released each year. Unfortunately, that hope can often be misplaced. With that in mind, we turn our attention to the games that 2011 has brought and promises (or threatens, as the case may be) to bring us.
“DC Universe Online” – Jan. 11, PC and PS3
At last, an MMO for the comic book fan both intimidated by the robust character creation system in “City of Heroes” and desperate to see how inadequate hanging out with Batman would actually make them feel.
“Kingdom Hearts: Re: Coded” – Jan. 11, DS
The fourth Kingdom Hearts game (and second remake) released since “Kingdom Hearts II” to not be called “Kingdom Hearts III.”
“LittleBigPlanet 2” – Jan. 18, PS3
“Robust suite of creation tools” is just industry darling for “we don’t feel like making many levels.”
“Dead Space 2” – Jan. 25, PC, 360 and PS3
In space, no one can hear you scream in frustration about people ignoring EA’s original IPs.
“Two Worlds II” – PC, 360, and PS3
Oblivion: But Way More Awful II: Awful Harder, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Oh God Why Am I Playing This
“The Conduit 2” – February 15, Wii
The sequel nobody wanted to the shooter nobody bought.
“Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two World”s – Feb. 15, 360 and PS3
The sequel everybody wanted to the fighter everybody bought 67 years ago.
“Killzone 3” – Feb. 22, PS3
The continuing war against the Helghast marches on in the shooter series remarkable for striking visuals and absolutely boring everything else.
“Bulletstorm” – Feb. 22, 360, PS3, and PC
The Tony Hawk model applied to the modern first-person shooter. It should be noted that by “Tony Hawk model” I mean “combo system designed around increasingly insane scores,” not “release an awful peripheral and blame the press for an awful game.” Then again, Epic Games likes to innovate, so one never knows.
“The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword” – March, Wii
By combining the visual aesthetics of both “Wind Waker” and “Twilight Princess,” Nintendo has created a visually striking Zelda that will be hated by both sides of the fandom.
“Pokemon Black and White” – March 6, DS
By my estimation, every new Pokemans in this game will make Nintendo 600 bajillion dollars.
“Dragon Age II” – March 8, PC, PS3, and 360
An otherwise well done and engaging fantasy story will probably be marred by ugly graphics and a sea of technical issues when Bioware diverts all of the funds behind this to make “Mass Effect 3” even prettier, reinforcing Dragon Age’s position as the uglier, less loved child of the Bioware family.
“Deus Ex: Human Revolution” – March 8, PC, PS3, 360, and Online
The original cyberpunk shooter/RPG returns to the post-“Mass Effect” world with old nerds complaining and young nerds yawning.
“Yakuza 4” – March 15, PS3
Will be released with 13 seconds of dialog cut. Will result in a boycott by diehard “fans.” “Yakuza 5” never sees American shores.
“Brink” – April 12, PS3, Xbox, and PC
Sadly enough, this is not actually a prequel to the Disney Channel Original movie about Andy “Brink” Brinker.
“Portal 2” – April 18, PS3, 360, PC, and Mac
“Portal 2” was delayed until this year because, to quote Valve, “making games is hard.” Making games won’t be anywhere near as hard as hearing every amusing line from this game get run into the ground by every nerd you know.
“Resistance 3” – September 6, PS3
You know, “Resistance!” It’s a shooter. No, not “Call of Duty.” It’s got aliens. No, not “Halo.” Look, just…forget it.
“Rage” – Sept. 3, PC, PS3, and 360
Id Software continues their proud tradition of releasing mediocre shooters named like they’re mediocre thrash metal albums.
“Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception” – Nov. 1, PS3
With Hollywood’s continuing post-Last Crusade embargo on good Indiana Jones movies, the Uncharted series is the last bastion of hope for adventure-archaeology enthusiasts.
“The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim” – Nov. 11, PC, PS3, and 360
If the last few games are any indications, prepare to marvel at Bethesda’s ability to write 1,700 in-game books while still managing to not bug check or correctly model a human face.
So, as you can see, it looks like it’s going to be a pretty rough year. At least there’s 2012 to look forward to.
