These four years were literally the best blah blah blah…go by so fast blah blah… let’s cut the crap, here is exactly how to do college:

The SECOND you step on campus high tail it over to your local outdoor outfitters and get yourself a couple pairs of PFG shorts to make sure you fit in with the rest of campus. I usually liked to carry around a few fishing lures in the front mesh pockets while I walked on the Quad in case I stumbled across a puddle filled with large mouth bass. In terms of hats, keep it simple, but make sure there is a logo, preferably Columbia or Patagonia. Now let’s say this isn’t your style, and you’re more of a tight pants, vans and v neck kind of guy, then that works too, but make sure you buy the round intelligent looking glasses to go with that outfit because it is otherwise incomplete. Look I don’t feel qualified to speak girl fashion, BUT an oversize T-shirt, aviators with the teal lenses, running shoes and a Kendra Scott necklace ought to do the trick.

Now in terms of accessories, you need to have a pocket knife…I mean when I first got to campus, I quickly realized that I was going to have trouble opening amazon packages unless I had a very expensive switchblade. Here’s the trick though, I carried around that baby all of freshman year in my PFG shorts with my Patagonia hat on (see it all connects) and people HAD to have thought that I was the epitome of an outdoorsman. Now that the look is down, let’s talk about how to act.

I can’t emphasize this next part enough…DO NOT SMILE when you walk across the Quad. See, what keeping a straight face does, is it makes you look way more attractive to the opposite sex. I mean one of the most attractive things someone can do is look pissed off at the world while walking across the Quad. I usually like to give a quick glance, make eye contact, and then immediately look away with a face that says “I am listening to Avenged Sevenfold, so don’t think about talking to me.”

When it comes to class you have two options: Sit in the front and raise your hand as much as possible… actually for that matter, what people really love is when the class is about to get out early, and the teacher asks if there are any questions, go ahead and show your enthusiasm for the topic by asking three or four more in depth questions to make sure you stay for the whole class time. Now if this isn’t your style, I recommend finding a seat in the back and really spend some time practicing a nice slouch. All it takes is five minutes a day just going over which slouch position makes you look like you couldn’t care less about the topic. This is a win-win because apathy is also an attractive quality so while you are slouching, you may actually end up picking up your future wife or husband.

I would say one of the biggest productive things you can do on this campus is make generalizations. For instance, if you aren’t in Greek life, I would immediately go gather with some other Non-Greek folks and make as many negative generalizations about Greek life as possible. After all, you’re probably smarter, more worldly and more mature than everyone associated with the Greek system, so I don’t need to say more. Now, if you are in Greek life, I mean I think it’s pretty clear that GDIs aren’t really worth our time.

Let’s paint a hypothetical situation: You are going to meet some friends at the bar and you are going to arrive separately, and you happen to arrive first (which sucks.) The way to handle this particular situation is by going and sitting down and burying your head in your phone and going through the same Instagram feed you have already seen five times in the past 20 minutes until your friends arrive. What having the phone out does, is it creates the illusion of importance for everyone else at the bar who is looking at you and wondering why you are alone. Trust me, you want to make sure that people you don’t know or care about at bars are not judging you for sitting there without a phone in your hand.

Talk more than you listen. The odds are that whatever you have to say is more humorous, intelligent and witty than what the other person was going to say, so make sure to not care or pay attention to them. One little trick I like to do is ask someone what their name is and then immediately zone out. Also, keep in mind you are in high demand so make sure to always rely on your friends reaching out to you in order to stay in touch and foster those relationships.

I’ll end on this: the key to college is STRESS or WORRY or LACK OF FAITH or whatever you want to call it. You should be able to walk into a room and stress everyone else out because of how stressed you are. I mean people, this is college and the rest of our lives depend on every single test and getting that red cap and or job because success is measured by those things and not by how many people we have positively impacted or the relationships we have built throughout the past four years.

So I guess my final piece of advice would be to know what things in life to take seriously and what things in life to laugh at.

Jack York is a senior majoring in economics and finance.