Basketball is a truly great sport in that its combination of plays and variables can’t be scripted. The fact that anything can happen in a game is what makes the sport so exciting and electric for fans.

But in a sport with so much unpredictability, there is one constant that basketball fans can count on– the big-screen bunch.

As a fan you might think that the people selected on the big-screen are a completely random cast, but despite the different faces the same roles are constantly portrayed in each timeout and halftime period. Without further adieu, lets meet the group we have become so familiar with during our time in Coleman Coliseum.

The Bad Dancer

This person is a Coliseum classic. And no, I am not referring to the absolute crazed dancer that usually crosses the line between socially acceptable fandom and the possibility of inner-issues making their way to the surface. We will get to him later. No, I’m talking about the guy or girl that tends to put white people back a generation. The guy that stands up and half-does a version of the Twist, except horrifyingly slow and out of rhythm. Or the girl who falls back on the faithful “raise the roof” move that she doesn’t realize clearly died in the 90’s. “Raise the roof”  is certainly not the only move this person possesses. They also go to classics such as the “sprinkler,” “dice-shaker,” or God forbid the self-destructing “running-man.” Whichever step this person chooses, he or she is sure to leave the crowd increasingly more uncomfortable with every out-of-sync gyration.

The Cool Kid

This person appears totally unamused with being on the big-screen. Secretly he is eating up every second of it. He is smiling on the inside, but is afraid that showing excitement might ruin his “I don’t give a damn” attitude. Clearly he is above dancing, or shouting, or waving and is definitely against smiling. The Cool Kid desires not only to be literally above his audience, but also above them in terms of demeanor as well.

The Embarrassed Old Lady

This is person is exactly what she sounds like. However, instead of just being mildly bashful, she approaches the situation as if her darkest inner-truths are being portrayed on the screen. This involves turning as red as the seat cushion beneath her and burying her face in her arms while desperately waving away the camera.

The Old Guy who is way too giddy and eager during the kiss-cam

Seriously this guy could star in a silent movie. His creepy yet deceivingly innocent smile speaks for itself. The progression that takes place is almost always exactly like this: Upon initially seeing himself on camera there is an immense surprise, this is followed by a boyish smile that is oddly similar to a third-grade boy gets when he talks about the planet Uranus. This is where creepy old guy shines the brightest. Instead of just kissing his partner normally, creepy guy pulls the whole sneak-a-kiss maneuver, which usually results with a misplaced kiss and a look of discomfort from his partner. Often times this guy is married to Embarrassed Old Lady, go figure.

Hot Girl

You knew this was coming. This doesn’t take much explanation. Hot Girl makes an appearance not only once, but several times throughout the game. She is constantly caught on camera and every time looks just as poised and beautiful as the last. This might flatter Hot Girl, but she should recognize there is a reason she has been on camera six times already in the first half. Little does Hot Girl know that camera guy has been geeking out to her the entire game. He’s watching you Hot Girl, with every smile and move you make, like a creepy Sting song. Yeah that’s right, the camera isn’t the only one that loves you, so just remember that the next time you flash those pearly whites up on the jumbotron.

That Guy

Remember the guy I referred to during the bad dancer segment, this is him. That Guy is not necessarily a bad dancer, just a way too creepy one. It is all in his eyes. The fire of 1,000 suns shoots through those eyes as he gazes into the camera never breaking stare. That Guy is not just a dancer, he is a little bit of everything, everything that is wrong with fans that is. That Guy might bring his family to the game, just to ignore them the whole time while he uncomfortably vents his anger of the referee to not only them, but everyone around him. Maybe he is the guy who starts the one-man slow-clap, or brings an obnoxious sign to block the view of everyone behind him. If there is a way in which That Guy can bring discomfort to those around him, he will find it, and usually in the most unexpected and unsettling way possible.

Little Kid in the background going craaazzzyyy

He’s funny, he’s kooky and he’s a little bit crazy. We are all familiar with the revved-up seven-year-old that always appears on the big-screen during games. Whether he is losing himself for the camera, fist-bumping Big Al or busting a move to his favorite stadium beat, this kid brings the energy to the Coliseum. This is one of my favorite characters, because it reminds me of how much more fun sporting events were when I was younger. We enjoy them now, but in our earlier years games were much more of an event. You think this kid is amped now? Watch out, he’s only half way through his second Mountain Dew and hasn’t even gotten to his Skittles yet.

That awkward moment when father and daughter are caught on the kiss cam.

I saved this for last, because it is by far the most epic and tragic of all big-screen encounters. This situation is brutal beyond words, but I will do my best to sum it up. So obviously the camera man “messes up”, although this accident happens quite a bit too much for it to be constantly swept under the rug as a mistake. The following sequence is every girl’s worst nightmare. Upon realizing the mishap, the young lady prays that the cameraman will realize his mistake and move on, but this never happens. At least it doesn’t happen in time to prevent the incredibly awkward moment when the father realizes it too. Here the father is put in a situation where he wants to show compassion for his child, yet wants to maintain that the person he is kissing is in fact his child. At this point he usually goes for a loving peck on the cheek. While this appears normal, it always appears discomforting, as the daughter is already embarrassed by the fact that she was put on kiss-cam with her dad and now has to share an awkward parental moment with 15,000 strangers. This series of events is like watching a car wreck; it is so horrible that you just can’t look away.

So the next time you are at Coleman Coliseum and need a break from all the unpredictable fast-paced action of Alabama basketball, don’t hesitate to sit back and look up at your familiar friends on the big-screen. Who knows, you might be one of them.