The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
When I first explored the growing divide between old and new money on this page a few weeks ago, I received many emails, comments and Facebook messages asking why I left out the vast majority of students who have no money. At first I was astounded that this was even a serious question – of course I left out no money students; they don’t have money. And because a lot of them are majoring in New College, studio art, theater, art history or journalism, like me, they likely never will.
However, upon further reflection on the response to “The Great Divide: Old Money vs. New Money,” I have concluded that the no money crowd is in fact trying to exploit that schism and take over campus.
Just look at the Board of Trustees. Its newest member, Governor Robert Bentley, doesn’t even make a salary.
But it appears that Bentley’s election was only the tip of the iceberg. The no-money takeover, in fact, goes much deeper.
Foreign-made luxury cars and Escalades aside, the University has invested a substantial amount of resources to create the CrimsonRide for students who have neither. CrimsonRide = no money.
SGA president James Fowler has called for repealing the prohibition on chalking in SGA campaigns, to give candidates a cheaper way to promote themselves during election season. Worse, he has also suggested allowing candidates to take out SGA loans to finance their campaigns. That’s right. Even the DKE SGA president is involved with the no-money plot.
In fact, it appears that many rich students are now attempting to hide their wealth, or at least appear sympathetic with their no money peers. Wednesday night, students slept out on the Quad to raise awareness for homelessness and packed meals to help alleviate hunger. The students also watched “The Pursuit of Happyness,” which features multimillionaire Will Smith acting as a homeless man, kind of like them.
Who would have ever thought college kids would care about hunger and homelessness? I thought the point of coming to college was never having to worry about either.
Wednesday night was also the deadline for joining College Republicans before their upcoming officer elections. Their dues? Ten dollars. I always thought it cost a lot more than that to be a Republican.
Last fall, student seating at football games was even hijacked for the no money cause. Students who can afford to pay a fee and join “The High Tide Club” get reserved seating – in the upper deck. Meanwhile, no money students who arrive early enough get to sit in the lower bowl.
While none of the students involved with any of these initiatives has confessed to an organized effort to siphon money and privileges away from wealthy students, a group of students was seen outside of Lakeside dinner last week wearing “No Row” T-shirts. Among the organizations listed were the Quiz Bowl team, College Democrats, Mallet, and, for some reason without our consent, The Crimson White.
It is time for old money and new money to come together, and help restore fairness to our campus community by tilting the playing field back in their favor. If they don’t, we could all be walking around without shoes before long.
April Fools.
Tray Smith is the opinions editor of The Crimson White, wearing a Vineyard Vines shirt, Polo shorts and Sperrys.
