The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.

Statistics recently released by the Left-Handed Student Association show that there are only 1,342 left-handed students at Alabama. This pales in comparison to the estimated 11% of the national population that is left-handed.

This obvious attempt at discrimination is at least partially our fault. Throughout the year, we have continued to call for the University to do more to promote diversity and inclusiveness on campus. However, we have ignorantly neglected the plight of left-handed students, and we apologize.

Now that we have already done everything within our power to ramble about the University’s lack of progress in addressing the needs of other minority groups, we are committed to exposing the injustices that have been committed against left-handed students. (For the point of this article, and in all future reports on this subject, we will refrain from using the slur “lefties.”)

Dr. Witt’s recent decision to create the National Left-Handed Merit Scholars program is a great first step. However, while we genuinely want left-handed merit scholars to come to this University, and very much hope to befriend them if they do, we must also take steps to accommodate left-handed people who aren’t national merit material, if you know what we mean – not that there is anything wrong with people who aren’t smart, or even people who aren’t middle class and white.

The University needs a nationwide promotional campaign to encourage left-handed people to apply. Also, we need more desks suitable for left-handed people, because right now, most of them are built to accommodate people most dependent on their right hand. Some of them even contain the very offensive warning sign, “Rights Only.”

By opening doors to both left- and right-handed students, we can offer everyone the opportunity to get the college education they deserve, and acquire the skills they will need to succeed later in life. We hope the administration will recognize this, and move to correct this injustice. We just don’t want southpaws to get left out.

Our View is the consensus of four guys who don’t hate your organization as much as you think we do.