The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
A recent examination of the Tuscaloosa Police Department application process reveals that a desire to bust up awesome parties is a requirement to be part of Tuscaloosa’s finest.
A source inside TPD revealed that officers receive bonuses for busting up parties, and the bonuses increase in value based on how epic the party is.
“If it’s a small BYOB-type deal, we only get about a hundred bucks,” the source said. “But for a crazy kegger like the ones in ‘Animal House?’ You’re talking 400, 500 bucks. Easy.”
The Crimson White was able to obtain a copy of a standard TPD application. It featured questions such as “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much of curmudgeon are you?” and “Do you enjoy crushing people’s happiness?”
The source inside TPD said officers usually use Facebook to easily track down parties and collect their bonuses.
“These idiot kids are making public events on Facebook advertising that they’re selling alcohol, then you can just flip through the Attending list and count the number of underage students,” the source said. “It’s like shooting perps in a jail cell.”
TPD’s biggest bust ever came just two weeks ago, when they broke up an epic throwdown at the University of Alabama Police Department.
The “St. Patty’s Was Made for Natty” kegger at the UAPD station already had more than a hundred guests attending on Facebook when it caught TPD’s eye.
“I was definitely surprised UAPD would do something like that,” the TPD officer said. “And without telling us? That’s like throwing a crazy party at your apartment and not inviting your neighbors.”
UAPD officer Joe Friday expressed frustration at the police ending his party right when it was getting good. “‘Black and Yellow’ had just started and everybody was just going insane,” Friday said. “And I’m in the middle of it all, just doing my thing, when suddenly this cop’s walking in shining a light everywhere. I told everybody to pour out their drinks quick, but the keg told the whole story.”
As the senior officer present, Friday received a stiff house party citation. He suspects that girls in a nearby sorority house called the cops on him.
“It’s just indecent,” he said. “If they would have come by, I would have totally turned it down. Or even invited them. People just need to communicate, man.”
