The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
In a stunning upset, wide receiver Julio Jones beat out quarterback Greg McElroy to win the Rhodes Scholarship.
No one, including his coaches and teammates, knew Jones was applying for the award. It was the team’s best-kept secret since the depth charts were hidden during Nick Saban’s spring practice.
While receiving the award, Jones was not humble at all.
“First off, I would like to thank myself and no one else for all of my success,” Jones said. “I always knew I was the smartest person on the team. Greg [McElroy] didn’t stand a chance. People only thought he was smart because he answered questions like Coach Saban. I dominate my academics just like I dominate Patrick Peterson from LSU on the field every time we play them.”
Head coach Nick Saban, who attended the award ceremony, gave his thoughts on Jones’ great honor.
“Julio deserved the award,” Saban said. “It was a team effort and it all starts with hard work. Hard work leads to discipline which leads back to more hard work. It’s not about actually winning; it’s really about becoming a winner.”
Jones has worked hard to keep his scholarly habits under wraps, so as not to affect his image as a star athlete. After winning the Rhodes, though, he admitted that his favorite novel is “War and Peace,” he listens to Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony to go to sleep each night, and he turned down a scholarship to MIT to study molecular theory in order to play football for the Tide.
McElroy hadn’t lost out on an award since fourth grade when he misspelled the word pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, mistaking the “k” for a “c.” McElroy took the loss to Jones better than most experts expected him to.
“I could not have lost to a more deserving candidate than my teammate Julio Jones,” McElroy said. “Not only is Julio smarter than me and a better athlete, but he is also a better looking guy than I am. All of the sorority girls think he is the best looking guy on the team and he let me know that every day at practice. I am just glad to be able to say I knew the guy.”
No one but Jones knew he had more talents than being able to catch a football and stiff arm defensive backs. Jones says this is not the last stop on his academic journey. He has big plans that go way beyond football and even hinted at making a stop at the White House.
“Now that I am a Rhodes Scholar, I plan to expand my horizons,” Jones said. “I am going to write a book about how much better I am than everyone else in the world. I am also going to medical school to become a doctor. I may even run for president or become the king of a small island nation. It’s time for me to take over the world.”
