The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.

Despite having recently set a goal of 35,000 students by 2020, President Robert Witt took the direction of the University of Alabama to new heights when he announced his goal of enrolling one million students by the year 2050. Achieving this goal would make the University the largest school of higher education in the world, and Tuscaloosa would become more populated than the entire state of Rhode Island.

“Our university is already the flagship university of the state. I believe we can become the flagship university of the entire country,” Witt said at an impromptu press conference on Thursday.

The previous goal of 35,000 students by 2020 irked some students who expressed concerns over a campus infrastructure already bursting at its seams and overcrowding at many campus locations. Enrolling more students would exacerbate these problems, apprehensive students said. Witt attempted to downplay any fears of campus overexpansion.

“The facilities on campus and our faculty and staff are more than able to accommodate this growth,” Witt said. “I see no reason for us to even need to build additions anywhere or upgrade anything.”

Witt did mention one necessary change.

“We will have to raise tuition, of course. But, that’s not a big deal,” Witt said.

Attracting such a large number of students to the Capstone would be a challenge in and of itself, but Witt has a proven track record.

“Dr. Witt absolutely loves and works well with students,” said Linda Waters, a secretary for Witt. “Mainly prospective students though, because he is such a great recruiter.”

Asked about the changes in the quality of student life with such an enormous increase of enrollees, Witt responded that he did not know much about the subject.

“All I know is that it would bring in more diversity and capable minds,” Witt said. “More is always better in my mind. We would address any problems at a later date.”

Some students refused to believe Witt’s million-student goal.

“Are you serious? That dude must be out of his mind,” freshman Stanley Jordan said. “He obviously has never tried to eat anywhere at noon at this place.”

Others tried to find a silver lining in Witt’s goal.

“Think of the Friday nights in T-town in 2050,” fifth-year senior Timmy Sanders said. “Princeton Review will have to make us the top party school in the nation once we start having parties with 3,000 people every night.”

One million students would add a considerable number of part-time residents to the city of Tuscaloosa. The city could benefit in terms of increased tax revenue, but the larger population could strain the city’s foundation and sense of community. Tuscaloosa Mayor Walt Maddox said he enjoys working alongside Witt, a major asset to the city.

“I remember when President Witt first told me he wanted to have 30,000 student at the University,” Maddox said. “I laughed about it, but he went on and did it. I don’t doubt for a second that he can get one million.”

Witt concluded his announcement with homage to an Alabama icon.

“I ain’t never been nothing but a recruiter,” Witt said before leaving the podium.