The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
Contrary to previous reports, the Civil War-era tree on the Quad was not removed by the University, according to a group of University scientists. In a recent report, the group tried to prove that aliens abducted the tree over spring break.
“Those in the administration wanted to hide the fact that extraterrestrials stole our beloved tree,” said Geoff Burstrom, head professor of galactic life studies at the University. “We value students’ sense of safety too, but we do not value hiding the truth.”
Titled “We Told You So, but You Wouldn’t Believe Us,” the report examines the complete disappearance of the tree’s roots and a strange symbol etched in the dirt. Other findings include that the alleged disease inflicting the tree was fabricated.
“We believe that some kind of advanced beam from a UFO abducted the tree,” Burstrom said. “The aliens probably wanted the tree for their own examination, and possibly for shade on their home planet. That tree had some great foliage.”
When asked, University officials declined to comment in depth. One official remarked, “Oh, not them again.”
Students were divided over the tree’s disappearance after the report was released. Billy Sumpter, a senior majoring in business, says he believes aliens may have visited Tuscaloosa.
“Of course aliens exist. Hell, I hope I get abducted someday instead of some tree,” he said. “Dude, that would be awesome.”
Other students were appalled to find out that some accused aliens of abducting the tree. Laura Sinclair, a sophomore majoring in social work who has never watched “E.T.,” refused to believe the report.
“Aliens do not exist. That’s a fact,” she said. “Anyone who believes that Area 51 is more than just a military base needs to find a life outside their parents’ basement.”
Despite ridicule, the group that authored the report is in the process of planning Galactic Relations Week. The week will consist of events such as charity walks and discussions that will raise awareness and money for galactic life research.
“That tree may have survived the Civil War, but it never stood a chance against an alien invasion,” Burstrom said.
