The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
The many students who spent their childhood years wondering where exactly Waldo is can rest easy. After jetting around the world, traveling through time and searching for scrolls in various fantasy lands, the master of blending into a crowd will make an appearance on the University campus.
Last week UA President Robert Witt announced the University’s newest initiative – a daily, campus-wide game of Where’s Waldo? Witt’s Academic Locational Diversion for Overcrowding, or the WALDO program, will become more challenging as the student population continues to expand in accordance with Witt’s enrollment goals.
“It can’t be that hard to find Waldo yet,” Witt said. “I mean, this campus isn’t that crowded. I walked into Fresh Food just the other day and found an empty chair.”
The program meshes well with Witt’s overall vision for the future of the University, he said.
“We’re trying to combat the negative stereotypes surrounding overcrowding at the University,” Witt said. “Our constantly growing student body will make each game of Where’s Waldo? more fun than the last. How can something so fun be anything but good for this institution?”
Students who participated in a preliminary round of the game agreed that it makes the struggle of navigating crowds on a daily basis entirely worth the hassle.
“I was already 15 minutes late to my math exam, but spotting that peppermint sweater really made my day,” said Grant Venable, a senior majoring in electrical engineering. “I forgot about my $50 parking ticket from that morning, too. And how I’ve settled for Lakeside French fries for my past seven meals. And my utter namelessness.”
Jake Smith, a junior in New College, has been recruited as the first real-life Waldo.
“When Dr. Witt’s assistant contacted me, I was thrilled,” Smith said. “Finally the fact that no one talks to me is going to get me noticed.”
Because of his strenuous duties as Waldo, Smith has received student-athlete status. He hopes to become as much of a symbol on campus as Big Al.
“I’ve never been athletic,” he said. “I was told that if I did well, I could be as famous as Big Al.”
So far Waldo has been spotted in a variety of on-campus locations, including the Fresh Food Company and Gorgas Library, and rumors have surfaced that Waldo’s red-and-white striped shirt has cropped up all over the bar scene as well.
“I don’t do so well in big groups of people,” Smith said. “I never thought my talent of being unnoticeable would be so useful. [Overcrowding] has been an issue close to my heart. I’m glad the University is listening at last. My voice is being heard, loud and clear.”
In order to participate in the WALDO program, students who spot Waldo should take a picture and submit it to the Office of Student Affairs. From each week’s submissions, one student will be randomly selected to win a book scholarship, which can only be used at the University Supply Store to purchase books from the “Where’s Waldo?” series.
Witt said future plans for the expansion of the WALDO program include the inclusion of Waldo’s archnemesis, Odlaw, who will stalk one random student each week and occasionally battle Waldo in a public venue.
