The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
The Tuscaloosa Amphitheater will start things off with the Avett Brothers tonight at 8, but it will feature one of the biggest names in rap next Friday. Jay-Z, the CEO of hip-hop himself, will make his first trip to the state of Alabama next weekend.
“Of course I want to play in a tiny venue in the deep South,” said Jay-Z, who spoke on the condition of being referred to by every one of his nicknames at least once in this story.
Mr. Carter said he is scheduled to play at the amphitheater at 9 p.m. and vows to wow the crowd until “[his] boo, Beyonce, picks [him] up from work.”
A book signing celebrating Hova’s autobiography, “Decoded,” which was released on Nov. 11, was originally scheduled immediately before the show. Upon learning the location of the venue, however, Hova canceled the signing.
“Alabama has 99 problems,” Hova said. “And literacy is definitely one.”
While Jigga’s presence probably won’t coax many Pulitzer Prize winners to Tuscaloosa, other hip-hop icons are gravitating toward the new venue. These rappers, mostly from the North, believe shows in the “Dirty South” will help to build street cred.
“I feel like a tan could really help my flow,” said Marshall Mathers, a Detroit native.
On the other hand, Kanye West has promised to never visit Alabama again. West is displeased that he was not the first rapper asked to play at the new amphitheater.
“I’ll let Joe Camel finish,” West said. “But from now on, me and Alabama just gonna be enemies. How could you be so heartless, Tuscaloosa?”
Iceberg Slim’s performance will feature a plethora of his most popular songs. Among them are titles such as “Dirt Off Your Shoulders,” “Death of Auto-Tune” and “On to the Next One.” He will also amend certain songs, making them more appropriate to play in front of the Crimson Tide’s biggest fans. For instance, Jazzy will perform “Elephant State of Mind” instead of “Empire State of Mind.”
While these changes may represent gestures of good will and humor, some have speculated that the rapper is trying to curry favor with Alabama politicians. Local politicians contend that this is not the case.
“I don’t care which songs he changes, as long as he plays ‘Big Pimpin’,” said Dr. Robert Bentley, Alabama governor and rap enthusiast.
Many University affiliates, including President Robert Witt and football head coach Nick Saban, have announced their intentions to attend the concert. The University’s entire civil engineering department will also be in attendance.
“We know Dr. Jazzy has three blueprints,” said Dr. Archie Texture, a visiting engineer from Canada. “We believe these blueprints may change engineering practices forever.”
Coach Saban and the football team said they intend to rush the stage when J-Hova plays “Run This Town.” Saban believes running through the crowd of screaming fans will help get his younger players ready for game-time situations.
“It’s all part of the process,” Saban said. “Exercises like this can really justify our thug.”
S-Dot explained that while he his excited to play at the new amphitheater, which boasts a capacity of roughly 7,500, he’ll be more excited to leave.
