On Sunday morning, I felt the pressure. Fall break had come to an end, and I found myself in that familiar state of mind. There were papers to write and tests to study for. My to-do list hung over my conscious all break. I couldn’t further the procrastination.

I felt defeated given the day ahead of me, but still, I told myself some discomfort in life is necessary. When life is easy, I stay constant. There is no personal growth.

So, when the time came, I cleared my desk, plugged in my laptop, pulled out a notebook, wrote the paper I’d been putting off, worked the monotonous chemistry problems I’d left to dry, and went over the mistakes on a recently graded math test.

My life has become one of meticulous self-correction. I’m in college to learn and to mold myself into a decent human being, but sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions. I’ve put myself on a pedestal that I can’t live up to. I feel like clay in the hands of education. College is supposedly making me a resilient person, but what does the opportunity cost?

I forgo sleep, put friendships on the side and pass up family dinners – all for school. College has taught me the art of making trade-offs, if not a balance between ambition and happiness.

We never see the immediate benefit of schoolwork, but we must discipline ourselves no less. I preach twisted rationale, but I’ve never been a fan of instant gratification. The rigor of schoolwork requires patience, and unfortunately, monotonous diligence.

When I approach testing, I try not to focus on the grade to come. I remind myself of the self-worth and accomplishment each time I finish a problem and understand the solution and each time I write a paragraph I can say I’m proud of. Escaping ignorance takes time and persistent self-evaluation, instead of getting the grade that tops the curve and measures you against the masses. I’m in college to educate myself, not compete. When we grade ourselves, our grades tend to come up naturally.

Rewiring our work ethic only begins to address our success. My academic troubles in college stem from my fear of disappointing. Failure will happen, but why must we be so scared of it? Life used to be much easier in the confines of high school, when we’d rarely study, and the word “self-discipline” reminded us of the military.

We all need moments of escapism, but when we don’t put in the effort because it’s “too late” to better ourselves, we’re playing an elaborate mind game. Self-improvement is dependent on our actions in the present, not the past.

College will test your enthusiasm about life, not just academia. My mind often wanders to life after my degree. Will I still be like this, building myself up toward a never-ending set of goals? Happiness is always fleeting, never lasting, when there are so many opportunities to screw up.

I probably need a break much longer than Fall Break to address these existential questions. But with that said, let’s remind ourselves of the short term: We’re nearly halfway done with the semester. What’s done is done, mistakes and merits alike. Stay calm, look forward, plan ahead, study hard and be patient. Most of all, remind yourself that it’ll be okay.

Tarif Haque is a sophomore majoring in computer science. His column runs on Tuesdays.