I’ve long vested myself with a personality of being reserved. By no means would I be “shy” or “introverted”; rather, I’d say my interaction style was centered more around reaction than initiation. It was also very dry, with a propensity for mellow tones in lieu of over exaggeration or excessive enthusiasm.
It might have been as simple as keeping to myself and enjoying my own company at work or in a social setting. By contrast, it might have been as extreme as taking longer paths or aimlessly perusing my phone as I walk to dodge the hassle of interactions, even with acquaintances. I also rigorously avoided punctuation in text messages from the time I had a phone to text with, so as to not seem too overeager.
It’s a communication style I was content with for years and have allowed to shape me as a social being. After some time walking different facets of life, however, I’m prevailed by the feeling that reservedness is overrated.
We unfortunately exist in an age where such behavior is easier than ever. It’d be reductive to generalize all modern communication styles under technology addiction and limited face-to-face conversation, but it’s a stereotype with at least a kernel truth. In-person verbal interaction is a dying art, with digital media making seclusion easy even in environments full of people.
Moreover, current youths form what can be described as a “snack media generation” with a collectively shorter attention span, a preference for concise and to-the-point discourse, and a relatively low regard for the formalities of previous times.
As part of this age group, I relate fully to these tendencies. But as someone who has within just the last year immersed myself in life outside the stereotyped confines of high school and adolescence, I’ve realized that reservation and distance is largely unfulfilling.
As the coach of a JV high school basketball team, I’ve had moments of being a high-stance authority figure as well as moments of being a compassionate, relatable leader. The latter are far more rewarding, resulting in relationships based on personal connection more than assumed respect .
As the leader of a freshman small group in church, I’ve realized that texting “hey, how’s your week going” does a lot less to show an impressionable young student that they’re cared for than “Hey, how’s your week going? Small group didn’t feel the same without you last week, hope to see you tonight!” What might feel corny to my sensibilities could be the rescue float for someone lost in the sea of emotional solitude.
Also having led in a high school leadership development program over the summer with many of the same students, my mind has been filled with verses like “be imitators of God … walk in love, as Christ loved us” (Ephesians 5:1-2 ESV) and “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6). There are countless ways to read those verses, but my recent conviction is that for me, such graciousness is best shown through outgoing kindness.
At the end of a summer brimming with new relationships, I’m left to reflect on what felt best and where I felt lacking. The most striking takeaway is that displaying boundless warmth and amiability to those with whom I’m blessed to do life leads to fulfillment. It isn’t a method I’ve perfected — there’s no way to truly quantify it, anyway — but the mindset for it is stronger than ever.
It’s a sentiment that my high school and early-college self would have regarded as nice but likely pulled from the philosophy of an overbearing optimist. What time has revealed is that the restrained, “keep to myself” attitude just doesn’t hold the same weight. Positivity doesn’t have to be bubbly and exuberant — such characteristics can come off as inauthentic — but personability presents no problems.
The approach of indifference can feel like a safeguard from “doing the most” and seeming overly passionate. It’s certainly more comfortable to stay inside a shell than to step out and be a bright presence; when that stepping out brightens someone’s day and makes them feel appreciated, however, the dynamic changes. Reservedness is a simpler and easier path, but no one on either side of an interaction or relationship regrets showing abundant kindness.
