Everything I have known and loved for 18 years of my life is more than 7,000 miles from where I am today. My family, friends and everyone who has made me feel at home are back in Nepal. Even though coming to the United States for my college education has been my dream since 9th grade, sometimes the fact that home is so far away feels more gut-wrenching.
A few weeks ago, when I called my parents, they were talking about celebrating a festival called Maghe Sankranti at home. When I was in Nepal, it was just a day when we ate special cuisine and gathered around family. It wasn’t of extreme importance before I moved, but I felt lost after ending the call.
I paused my work for a while and realized that while I was sitting alone in my room doing homework, my family was sharing laughter and creating memories. A part of me was really glad for the alone time, but an undeniably painful feeling took over me. Maybe I didn’t miss the socializing part of festivals too much, but I did miss being surrounded by the love and warmth that my family poured over me.
In the dorm, I sometimes put my headphones down and listen to my roommates and friends laughing in the common area, and it reminds me of the countless sleepovers I’ve had with my closest friends and cousins. No matter how much effort I put in, I catch myself searching for the people I left back home in the new faces I encounter here.
In the chaos of trying to make a new life for myself, at times I question if it was really worth flying halfway across the world to be here. I often struggle to understand how I consciously made the sacrifice of being able to watch my little sister grow up in front of my eyes. I frown at myself for not being as present in her life as I want to, and I ask myself if the physical distance between us will distance us from each other emotionally, too. When I call her, I try my best to talk to her as much as possible, but I can’t help but notice how much I am missing out on her life.
I think about my room at my house, which holds memories I have kept close to my heart for my entire life. I worry I might start fading from the family conversations and everyone may adjust to a life that doesn’t involve me as much as it once did. While I knew that the road ahead was going to be difficult the minute I landed in Dallas last year, I didn’t expect my mental preparation to be so lacking.
Despite these feelings of uncertainty with my decision, I can say I have met some of the kindest, warmest, smartest and the liveliest people on campus. Everyone I’ve encountered has brought value into my life, and I’ve made friendships I didn’t expect to make. When there are so many people around you who remind you of how life can be so beautiful, things feel easier.
Sometimes when I miss home too much, I try to remind myself that I now have a new network of incredible people who make me feel loved and understood. It’s not the same as being with my family, but it’s a comforting reminder that I’m not alone and that I belong here.
There are still moments when the loneliness feels almost unbearable; however, it’s in these moments when I realize that I am in the process of building a new life — one that is not replacing the old, but expanding it. The people I’ve met here, the experiences I’ve gathered and the knowledge I’ve acquired will become a part of me just as much as the memories and relationships I left behind.
Growth comes with a certain level of discomfort. It’s okay to feel conflicted, to miss home and to long for the past. But it’s important to acknowledge the beauty in the present, like how much I’ve accomplished on my own and how I’ve learned from my new environment. The distance between where I started and where I am now feels less like a gap and more like a bridge, connecting two different worlds that have shaped me into who I am.
As I continue to navigate this journey, I know that the tug of home will always be there. But with every passing day, I also realize that home is not just a place, but a feeling that can be found in new connections, new experiences and new dreams. Even when I’m far away, I carry the love and lessons from Nepal with me, and I know that I’ll always have a part of my home here with me, even if it’s not the more physical form I once longed for.