The University of Alabama, in response to demands from students who’ve said they deserve to have clean lungs, has announced that instead of implementing the popular idea of designated smoking areas on campus, they will distribute houndstooth-patterned gas masks to concerned students.
“First off,” said a University spokesman, taking a long drag on his cigarette, “There’s really no reason to believe there are health concerns definitively linked to smoking a little tobacco. Let’s be real, people. This stems from the same liberal agenda that would see us lower tuition and integrate the greek system.”
The official then paused to ash.
“Secondly,” he said, “smoking zones would be pretty complicated. I mean, I guess we could just repurpose a parking lot somewhere for a smoking pavilion since no one really gripes about parking anymore, but we’ve decided the gas masks will more or less silence the naysayers.”
Reactions to the masks and their design have been mixed. Big fans of Coach Bryant and the football program he immortalized have really gotten behind the masks and were the first to sign up for its distribution.
Others, though, have said asking nonsmokers to wear gas masks in public places to keep their bodies cancer-free is asking too much, and it will take more than a houndstooth design to change their minds.
“It’s … it’s just hideous,” said Mackenzie Brown, some freshman majoring in financing, I think. “Who would ever wear this thing? Why did they think this was a good idea?”
Supporters of the initiative, though, called it innovative and strikingly attractive. Some smokers are even signing up for the masks to add another article to their white-and-black-checkered wardrobes.
“First, they whine about smoking on campus,” said Tray Smith, a super-greek studying something or another. “Then, the University solves the problem. Not only do they solve it, but they also solve it in a way that is balls-to-the-walls awesome. The Bear would be proud of this, and these kids are still moaning about it … What a bunch of GDIs”
