I know my loyal Twitter fandom has been waiting in anticipation for this day for the past few weeks, and it’s finally here. I am officially announcing my candidacy for the presidency of Theta Nu Epsilon, or as most of you affectionately refer to it, “the Machine.”

I would like to start off by saying that I believe the current administration has done a fantastic job this year. Avoiding a larger disaster in the SGA by having Grant Cochran thrown under the bus was brilliant. He learned quickly who really held the power in the SGA.

The SGA has always belonged to the Machine, and my administration and I will fight to keep it that way. It will not be an uphill battle considering the UA administration still refuses any substantive measures to stop us. My administration will continue this rich tradition. I think my grandfather said it best: “There’s not a dog in that pound that cannot be bought off.” He wasn’t talking specifically about the UA administration, but I suppose a dog is a dog.

My tenure as president of the Machine would very effectively demonstrate that we no longer use force to get what we want. We don’t need to attack a governor’s daughter or slash some nobody’s tires. After all, we are the one percent and what good is being on the top if you have to replicate tactics from the peasantry.

We will only use monetary measures to get what we want. I read on some GDI’s Facebook once, “You can pay for school, but you cannot buy class.” I beg to differ. We are the one percent and we’re going to start acting like it.

Transparency has become an issue at the University, especially in recent weeks. And under my administration we will work to fix these issues. I know the student body is tired of hearing about FERPA and how the SGA Student Senate won’t pass some bill. As president of the Machine I will only approve of SGA presidential candidates that swear to eliminate any and all transparency.

The issue of transparency has caused too many problems here and we hate problems. Avoiding any more issues or problems next year will be a top priority of my administration and any candidates that we elect to endorse.

Another recent issue on campus that has unfortunately been pushed very heavily by the GDI Rag (aka The Crimson White) is greek integration. Unlike other organizations on campus like the Honors College, I would be very clear about our stance—diversity is bad. I do not want there to be any confusion or miscommunication. We have no plans for an integrated rush and we do not ever want that to happen. A famous Alabamian once said, “Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever,” and that is something we hold strongly to today. It is tradition and we love tradition.

I want to clarify that The Machine is not a racist organization. We just believe that “racial diversity” causes some people to be uncomfortable, and as members of the one percent we do not function well out of our comfort zone.

If you look at the Greek letters for Theta Nu Epsilon it looks like it spells the word “ONE.” My administration will fully embrace that word. One race. One voting bloc. One percent.

I hope that you will all consider the things I have said here and understand that I will do my best to serve my constituents and only them. I will fight to make the Machine the force that it once was. If you’re interested in joining my campaign you can email [email protected] for more information. Vote Michael Patrick for Machine President!

Michael Patrick is a junior majoring in political science. His column runs on Tuesdays .