Hipsters have it figured out. Singlehandedly keeping companies like Apple, TOMS Shoes and Urban Outfitters afloat, hipsters make up a large, judgmental part of our culture. Time not spent blogging about the societal impact of an empty bottle they saw on the side of the road is spent just being cooler than everyone else. It’s all part of being enlightened.

Most of us will never see the world through the same philosophic lenses that hipsters do. We are barbarians, drones walking around in pursuit of what the world has made us believe to be valuable. We don’t hear the difference in vinyl albums and compact discs, we don’t find “awesome” stuff at thrift stores and we, barbarically, wear clothes that fit.

None of this has to happen. We can change – we must change. In this sweeping generalization of a column, I will explain to you how to become a more enlightened being and how to be a better person who does things that do not necessarily make sense but do change the world. I will give you a guide to hipsterdom.

The first step to being a good hipster is looking cool. It’s really what the whole movement is about. Just know that as a new hipster there is a dress code you need to abide by.

Firstly, your clothes must look dirty/old. At any point in the day you must look like you have just woken up. This is very important because if it appears to others like you’ve put too much effort into your appearance then the whole hipster persona is blown. Obviously you will spend a lot of time trying to look this way, but the drones can’t know that. Wasting all that time washing and ironing their clothes to look presentable is just so Neanderthal.

Second, you may either spend less than $5 on an article of clothing or more than $200, but nothing in between. Thrift stores are your new mall. With each great find you save money and you’re saving the world by recycling. The more ill-fitting the better. Don’t worry, it looks ironically good. For those hipsters with money, Billy Reid’s fall collection was just released. Just make sure you don’t stray too far from the dirty look. And make sure you write “from recycled material” on the tag underneath where it says “Handmade in Italy.”

Now you’ve got the look, but you need more. You need the lifestyle. Don’t worry though, you don’t have to be able to play music, paint or write poetry. You just need to act like you’re interested in those things.

Start listening to hours of ambient sound on your iPod. You won’t really know what you’re doing, but you sure will feel cool. And if someone hears what you are listening to and doesn’t get it, don’t worry, they’re not supposed to, they’re not enlightened.

Another thing you can do is go to an art show and look down your nose at every painting. If these paintings were so good, then you would have painted them. This self-righteousness may be the most important trait of any hipster and will be portrayed in nearly all your actions.

Also, read Whitman. You don’t have to read a lot, just enough to pull a couple quotes for your Facebook wall and to discuss its depth to other hipsters who are equally enlightened.

That’s the lifestyle. Now you need to be able travel like a hipster, and there are some specific things you’ll need. The quest from A to B is the perfect runway to show off your new look—nay, lifestyle.

First, a vintage bike, nothing made after 1989. If your bike is not older than you, then it’s got no soul. Bells and ironically hilarious flags are optional. Also, make sure you wear your helmet. Nothing needs to happen to your brain. After all, you have been graced with one more advanced than the drones. Just make sure to mess your hair back up when you take it off.

Sometimes, even hipsters need to travel long distances for a Fleet Foxes concert or a poetry reading, so having a car is a must. When it comes to cars you have two options. You may either drive a Prius or an old, beat up van. The Prius might be a little expensive, so finding an old beat up van is the only option for a lot of hipsters. I know this flies in the face of saving the world through the non-usage of gas, but the hilarious irony of whatever you decide to paint on the side of your van and the increased amount of bumper sticker space makes it worth it.

There you have it: a guide to hipsterdom. Abiding may be tough. Walking around with confidence this underserved is not an easy task, but you can do it. And if you get a weird look and start feeling self-awareness or embarrassment creep up on you, don’t fret. Just remember: you’re enlightened.