It’s April, and with the fourth month of the year comes warmer temperatures, the end of school and the glowing optimism of a summer full of adventure. Another noticeable trend brought on by the warmer months is an increase in one’s social life and, by extension, one’s love life.

You see, for one reason or another it seems to me that the month of April plays host to more new relationships than any other time of year. Common wisdom might tell you that because both Christmas and Valentine’s Day are in the past/distant future, the pressure is significantly lower than, say, November. Regardless of the reason, I’m here to guide each and every one of you through it because, frankly, if what I’ve seen so far is any indication, you probably need the help.

I must get one thing out of the way: this will mostly be male-centric. I’ll try to throw in a few pointers for the ladies, but real talk – I don’t think any of you want advice from the habitually single.

The first step one will take when attempting to form a springtime relationship is to attract a mate. This is frequently overlooked for one reason or another, but seriously, I know from experience that simply being handsome will not land you a date.

There are several ways to accomplish this, or at least several ways I have observed. The first is to buy a puppy. During my freshman year, the increase in the Tuscaloosa puppy population at first seemed inexplicable, but I’ve since realized that it’s linked to a particular mating ritual.

Most should be familiar with it – a guy has a sweet little Labrador puppy and inevitably a young lady approaches to play with it. Unbeknownst to her, the real intention is to translate that interaction with the puppy into interaction with him. Of course, this is exceedingly obvious to all parties involved as well as those watching. Guys, if you get a puppy and a girl comes to play with it, you’re in. With that in mind, though, you’ll still have to take care of this puppy for years to come, unlike the girl who will in all likelihood leave you by August for her ex-boyfriend (by the way, they’re getting engaged).

Another post-spring break trend I notice is the increase in motorcycles – in particular, sport bikes. This is a bold and well-thought-out move but also a risky one. If movies have taught me anything, it’s that chicks dig bad boys, and a sure-fire way to announce your badness is to drive a sport bike.

That being said, what isn’t sexy is when you inevitably crash and half your body needs a skin graft because your dumb self was riding around in cargo shorts and a tank top. That’s the risk you have to take, I guess.

Another tip that comes from personal experience: Ignore the fact that whoever you’re talking to is an idiot. If you let her lack of intelligence get to you, I promise you won’t be able to seal the deal. Of course, if general stupidity isn’t really your type, ignore this point.

I’ve noticed that during the spring semester, the Rec Center is significantly more crowded than first semester. Whether for spring break or a New Year’s resolution, being in shape is often a critical part of attracting the opposite sex. With this in mind, let me lay out a few tips:

First, just because something is better for you doesn’t mean it’s actually good for you. For instance, eating a gallon of frozen yogurt is better than a gallon of ice cream, but it’s still a great way to develop those love handles you’ve always wanted.

Second, exercise needs to be vigorous to work. Walking around the track five times is not cardio. Walking around the track 15 times is not cardio. You need to sweat and elevate your heart rate (I mean you, roller-skaters who just sort of push yourselves down the sidewalk).

As for the women reading this, I’ll try to be brief. First and foremost, guys want you to approach them as much as you want them to approach you. We literally spend countless hours thinking of ways to keep ourselves from just walking up and talking to you (hence the puppies, motorcycles, giant trucks, etc.). I realize there are social constructs you’re not allowed to violate, but every once in a while it would be nice.

That’s pretty much it.

That concludes this edition of the Idiot’s Guide, and I sincerely hope it’s helped – I’d hate to see everyone alone this summer. Well, I’d hate to see all the ladies alone. Guys, do what you want.

John Davis is a junior majoring in bitter loneliness.