The following piece is satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously. In case you couldn’t figure that out.
With baby-bombings becoming more prevalent on The Strip, rumors have emerged that Gallettes will soon have completed work on their first “mega-bomb.”
The weapon of mass intoxication packs a .08 BAC level, resulting in a massive radiation hangover post-detonation. Reports claim that Gallettes has been making under-the-table deals with the rebel forces of Egan’s in order to acquire the volume of Jager necessary for such a weapon.
In exchange for Jager, Egan’s has reportedly stockpiled chemicals acquired in the trade to be used for “mind erasers,” a biological weapon with effects comparable to those of mustard gas.
Egan’s government, cited previously for claiming prohibition was nothing more than a conspiracy theory, refused to comment when contacted, saying nothing more than, “Poison rocks! Be gone!”
Under new rule, The Red Shed’s young economy has been booming in recent months, but owners say the looming threats of mega-bombs and mind erasers has kept them proactive.
“These are crazy times that we drink in,” Red Shed’s owner said. “We’ve installed a breathalyzer to ensure our people aren’t risking exposure to high BAC levels.”
Mellow Mushroom has launched demonstrations protesting the assembly and use of weapons of mass intoxication.
“Why can’t there just be peace, man?” Mellow Mushroom advocates chanted in drum circles on the Quad. An awareness concert featuring Widespread Panic has been scheduled as a result of the potential threats.
Innisfree and Gallettes have been battling for T-town dominance since Innisfree’s establishment in May of ‘98, but the range of past weapons has made confrontation trivial. Innisfree’s Irish Car Bombs are unable to reach Gallettes on the far end of the Strip, but a “mega-bomb” introduces new fears to the Irish.
For now, potential targets and launch dates are unknown, but ABC officials have increased security with the goal of maintaining order.
“We’ve dealt with civilians taking shots before, but the potential threat that a ‘mega-bomb’ imposes on this community is unprecedented,” an ABC official said.
With tensions high and vision blurry, what’s next for this Strip of land remains unknown.
