TUSCALOOSA | Aug. 22, 2011 – The fabric of society has been torn. Just six months following the ratification of Sunday alcohol sales in Tuscaloosa, Ala., society as we know it has collapsed around us. What at first seemed like earnest progress has at once turned brother against brother, neighbor against neighbor, as the United States – nay, the world – struggles to find identity in the ensuing chaos.
“We just don’t know what could possibly lead to the conclusion of all this chaos,” said Catherine Gray. “The fact of the matter is that I fought against this tooth and nail knowing what would be the outcome. Now that it’s happened, what can we do? Global civilization is at a crossroad, and we don’t know which way to turn – all we know is we can’t go back.”
Mrs. Gray paints a picture of moral uncertainty brought about by the ability to purchase alcohol on Sundays. With a 55 percent mortality rate in the last six months, it has become clear that the breaking point for human control over alcohol is seven days.
“As evidenced over a period of months since Sunday sales became legal in February, the human mind and body has degenerated to a point that closely resembles the ancient Neanderthal,” spoke Dr. Robert Bozeman, somberly, as he recalled the degeneration of mankind over the last six months.
“There is strong evidence that suggests that in a time period most notable for the invention of the wheel and the discovery of fire, the inhabitants of Earth refused to allow one another to ferment grapes, hops, and other grains on the day we now call Sunday. Of course, the Neanderthal is no longer with us; I think we can all draw the correct conclusion as to what happened.”
At Ground Zero of Bedlam: Tuscaloosa’s University of Alabama. On University Boulevard, underwear scatters the street; abandoned dogs slur their barks, attempting to imitate their owners in a last desperate effort to be found; Costa del Mar sunglasses lie broken and forgotten in the gutter. These somber reminders will not allow us to undo the vote, but still the question remains: can we ever go back to the way things were?
It is difficult to tell – the vote’s outcome has had far reaching effects. The civil unrest that engulfed North Africa and the Middle East ceased when the dissidents learned of the news of Tuscaloosa’s historic vote, leaving the region in a state of limbo. One account speaks of a weeping grandmother in Libya’s Green Square crying out “How could this happen?” amidst the silence of stunned protestors newly informed of the outcome.
The one question on everybody’s mind: what do we do now?
Mike Lee, the newly designated president of the Free Tea Party Republic of Utah, had this to say: “As Mrs. Gray stated, it’s clear we can’t simply go back to the way things were; we can only hope to prevent further deterioration. With that in mind, we must look at preventative acts to curtail the rise of youth delinquency.
“The only way we can hope to stop this worldwide pandemonium is teach our youth early on the dangers of such things as gay marriage, which is the next logical step of the anarchists behind the Sunday alcohol sales vote. If we can prevent that, then maybe we can get on the trail to redemption.”
The Mayans famously predicted the destruction of the earth in 2012; as the citizens of the world continue to purchase and consume alcohol on Sunday, though, could they have been one year too late?
John Davis is the Knight of Woeful Countenance. His column runs on Thursday.
