As the Oscars quickly approach, millions will be watching on Feb. 27 as Natalie Portman strolls down the red carpet in Vera Wang’s latest spectacle. It would seem that for one night, the world’s finest jewelers and fabric makers are assembled to bedazzle viewers, only to have such works of splendor filed away and never worn again. Perhaps one day they will be put to use in some museum. At least the designers can sleep peacefully knowing that Joan Rivers, with her latest plastic surgery addition and accoutrements, bestowed lavish praise upon them. Here are a few tips to prepare you for the big night:
Rule #1: Skip the pre-show. You will thank me later. There are better ways to kill six hours than to listen to Joan Rivers attempt to tell jokes, care for her purse dog, boost her daughter’s ego, boost designers’ egos, boost Hollywood stars’ egos (as if they needed it anyway), boost her own ego and boast about her slightly disturbing Super Bowl commercial. If you want to indulge in harmless entertainment, opt for any number of Ben Stiller DVDs and a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. You’ll be consuming more calories, but they could easily work themselves off by the sheer amount of laughter Stiller provides. Plus, you’ll be wasting less valuable time.
Rule #2: Best foreign film will go to the biggest tearjerker. Whether films are foreign or not, their Oscar value instantly increases by having a character break down and cry at length. In 2008, “Waltz with Bashir” or “The Class” could have easily won for best foreign film, but the Oscar went to “Departures,” a nearly two and a half hour movie about a man who performs funeral ceremonies. Inevitably, he loses it and weeps uncontrollably, at which point the Oscar voters thanked their watches they could skip the last tedious half hour and feel confident giving the award to a crowd pleaser. I’m betting on “Biutiful” to win this year, in part because Javier Bardem has been compared to Marlon Brando in the movie but yes, the movie is about a man with cancer. Major points for the Oscar.
Rule #3: If you pay your dues, you’re likely to be rewarded with an inferior work. Scorsese won for “The Departed” because the Oscar snubbed him on his best works, “Taxi Driver” and “Raging Bull.” Denzel Washington was amazing in “The Hurricane” and at least five other films before the Oscar finally decided to give him Best Actor in his turn as a villain in “Training Day.” He was good (as always) but it certainly wasn’t his best performance.
Rule #4: Kirk Lazarus shares his Oscar theory in “Tropic Thunder,” and there is some truth in what he says. Characters with major life struggles have won again and again: Geoffrey Rush in “Shine,” Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman,” Daniel Day Lewis in “My Left Foot,” Nicholas Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas,” Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart” and, of course, the examples Lazarus gives too. This year is no different. Colin Firth is a virtual lock for “The King’s Speech,” not only for playing a character with a speech impediment, but also in part because of his remarkable performance in “A Single Man” from last year, for which he went home empty-handed.
Don’t take the Oscars too seriously; rather, use it as a springboard to have a lively film discussion with friends.
