Hi Alabama, it’s me, John. We’ve had a few classes together over the years, I’m not sure if you remem- oh, you do? Ah, yes, that was me. No, it was embarrassing, but I still think it needed to be said.

Oh, I just wanted to chat. It’s just, you know, I’ve always wanted to talk to you but I’ve been too shy to get involved with student government and we don’t really hang out at the same bars so I just thought I’d say something next time I ran into you.

How have you been? Yeah, I can imagine that break up with the old constitution got a little rough. The new one seems nice, though, y’all should have a nice relationship for years to come. Hmm? You want to get away from SGA types for a while? Oh…yeah I guess bureaucracy can be tiring. I don’t know, it just seems that these days everyone’s in a relationship so it’s weird that someone like you is single.

You know, that’s actually kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and since, you know, you’re single, and I’m single, well, I just thought…

What are you smiling about? Oh no, I’ve embarrassed myself haven’t I? I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I should have just kept walking and not said anything and now I’m never going to be able to look at you without getting embarrassed and I’m going to have to find a new way to walk to class and…

Oh, you think it’s cute? Oh…goodness well, um, I don’t know what to say; I never imagined this conversation going so well.

What do I like about you?

Well, I mean, when I was a freshman you helped me find my place on campus. You directed me to student media and that’s really where I’ve met my closest friends. And of course there was that unforgettable trip to Pasadena, I mean when you dumped Tim like that in Atlanta I didn’t think it could get any better but Colt tried to put the moves on you and you just separated his shoulder…I mean, wow!

We haven’t known each other very long, and even in those two and a half years we didn’t get to really know one another, you know, but I just thought now was as good a time as any; I mean, I’ve matured and you’ve really grown into a wonderful institution – it just seems right.

Here – I wrote you a poem. I hope you like it:

Had we but world enough, and time, This crippling growth, lady, were no crime. We would sit down and think which hour To go to the rec, to avoid a wait so dour; Thou by the Amphitheater’s side Shouldst country music find; I by the tide Of Homecoming would complain. I would Love you ten years before Chimes stood; And you should, if you please, refuse Till the completion of Saban’s statue. My vegetable love should grow Vaster than sorority row, and more slow. A hundred years should go to praise Thine strip, and on thy newspaper gaze; Two hundred to adore Greek Fest, But thirty thousand to the rest; An age at least to every dorm, And the last age should show your constitution reform. For, lady, you deserve this state, Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear Graduation’s winged chariot hurrying near; And yonder all before us lie Tuition hikes of vast eternity. Thy value shall no more be found, Nor, in thy vandalized halls, shall sound My echoing song; then state gov’ments shall try That long preserv’d money supply, And your quaint campus turn to rust, And into ashes all my lust. 35,000 you desire to be numbered, But too many, I think; thou’ll be encumbered.

Now therefore, while the charming hue Sits on the quad like morning dew, And while thy champion soul transpires At every hall with instant fires, Now let us bar hop while we may; And now, like freshmen with a fake, Rather at once our time devour, This bottle of whiskey within the hour. Let us roll all our strength, and pride, Our unmistakable class, up into one tide; And tear our pleasures with rough knowledge Through the iron gates of college. Thus, though we cannot make our enrollment Stand still, we will make our cherished stint.

Stop laughing! I really put some thought into that.

You think it’s presumptuous? I guess I did get ahead of myself; my imagination can run a little wild, sometimes.

So what do you say — Alabama, will you be my valentine?

John Davis is a junior majoring in girl talk. His column runs weekly on Thursdays.