Last week two students presented well thought out and well-intended articles regarding mandatory freshmen housing and mandatory freshmen meal plans.

Gregory Poole pointed out that the inflation rate of living in a dorm was actually higher than that of annual rent inflation, and that an increased student population forced the University to create more dorms that were even more expensive.

In the second article, John Brinkerhoff stated that the meal plan associated with the Freshman Year Experience is completely unreasonable and, in no uncertain terms, a waste.

First, I’d like to commend both Mr. Poole and Mr. Brinkerhoff on taking the time to voice their opinions in the student forum that is the Crimson White’s Opinions page. Seldom do the people who complain actually take the time to express their displeasure so publicly, so those that do should be lauded.

With that in mind, though, I feel the pair of campus reformers did not take their respective stances far enough; that is, to the natural conclusion that addresses the root of the problem: the constant enrollment of a freshmen class.

I realize a large majority of readers just groaned and rolled their eyes, and I totally agree! This is an obvious statement, and something that at this point in UA history probably doesn’t need to be elaborated on. I’m going to anyway, because I’m a champion of all people, not just the majority.

It’s not like the city of Tuscaloosa doesn’t agree – just take a moment and think about all the things an 18-year-old can do around town. Not much, is there? At least, not much that matters – I don’t really care that they can go hang out at Best Buy. Why admit students into the University if they can’t even enjoy all the extracurricular activities that people actually attend college for?

I can already hear the dissenters: “But what about tuition and the freshman meal plan and the money made off housing? You can’t exploit freshmen that aren’t enrolled.” I’ll address these concerns one by one as to avoid confusion.

First, let’s talk about tuition. It’s a little known fact that two-thirds of a freshman’s tuition is directed towards repairing the vandalism and destruction of his or hers freshmen dorm. Think about it – why does a junior college cost so much less than a four-year university? It’s because there are no housing facilities to repair every other day from residents kicking in a wall mere hours after it was repaired.

As for the “Freshman Year Experience” meal plan…actually I don’t have anything for that; a 160 meal minimum is a total racket.

I already addressed housing to a degree in regards to tuition, but I’ll elaborate further to show the potential boost to housing profits by eliminating the freshman class.

Basically, the more recent freshman dorms are of a higher quality than most efficiency apartments. I know this because parents have literally told me, “This unit is better than the efficiency apartment I lived in when I was young and single.”

Here’s my proposal: cease the freshman-only policy of these north campus dorms, and rent them out as low-cost housing to Tuscaloosa citizens as luxury efficiency apartments. I’m pretty sure that’s a non-existent segment within local housing at the moment, so think of the boom in business when people who are too affluent for efficiency apartments want to show off their wealth without fully committing to an actual apartment or house. Providing a service to the community while making a profit – what a wonderful feeling!

Now, perhaps the most important and contentious point to address in all of this is the prospect of eliminating a freshman recruiting class for athletics. To address this, I’m going to ask you to do something that is very difficult for most; namely, think of Auburn.

Cam Newton did not attend Auburn University as a freshman. Instead, he attended the University of Florida and a junior college before transferring and ultimately winning the Heisman trophy and a national championship.

Well, he didn’t do much of anything at Florida, so we can safely assume that attending a junior college is what made him the college football powerhouse he turned out to be. Under my plan, all Crimson Tide recruits will attend Blinn College for at least one year. It’ll be like a farm system – anyone who doesn’t pan out will simply be denied enrollment, while each and every year the Crimson Tide athletic teams will sport a full roster of JUCO transfers.

I know that some of you feel this plan isn’t extreme enough, but we must show moderation and empathy for those affected. And for those who are curious: no, I was never a freshman. Ever.

John Davis is a junior majoring in uncreative writing.