It was unavoidable. You’ve been at the University of Alabama for almost three months now and it’s clear that not only is the student newspaper totally inept, but for some reason everyone around you is completely ignorant to the atrocities surrounding them on a daily basis.

What’s a student to do? Sure, you could write a scathing — yet enlightening — piece on your tumblr, but between your mom, your neighbor’s kid sister and someone called “Lunifox,” it really wouldn’t reach the intended audience. No, you need a mass-produced publication that goes right into the hands of thousands of your peers every day.

Congratulations, you’ve decided to write your first op-ed column!

I’m here to guide you through the long, arduous process of writing an editorial, because it’s not as easy as it seems. The first thing you need is a topic; something provocative but not so offensive people miss the point.

Politics is a popular subject, but nobody really pays attention to those columns. Religion certainly grabs the reader’s attention, but it’s tricky because people are easily offended by such matters. And believe me, you’d be surprised at how many Zoroastrians can crawl out of the woodwork on a college campus, so don’t think you can avoid controversy just by picking an obscure religion.

Once you find an injustice to expose, you need a proper place to write your piece. Starbucks is popular, if not a little clichéd. You could sit outside a library, but then you’d be outside (gross). Your dorm room is quiet and peaceful, though the seclusion means no one will see you writing.

I’ve found that the perfect place is in class – it’s quiet, because everyone is either listening to the professor or asleep – but still public enough for people to see you penning your magnum opus. If you catch anyone reading over your shoulder, shoot a condescending glare while muttering something about how your piece will crush their moral foundation.

If you really want to suffer for your work, buy a moleskine notebook (unlined paper, obviously). Transcribing the piece onto your MacBook Pro is an extra step, sure, but it’ll totally be worth it when you look up from writing and make eye contact with that cute girl in your Baltic Literature course. You know, the one wearing that beanie-hair-sack thing that looks like it was knitted by your grandmother in her dying hours. Bonus points if she has a matching unlined moleskin notebook.

As to the matter of actual content, you need the opening lines to really hook the audience. Something that is vague, yet intriguing. A question, perhaps, with an answer nobody has taken the time to come up with. Don’t answer the question until the end, though, so the reader will be forced to power through the entire article just to satisfy his or her curiosity. Never forget to add your year and major, or the piece will not get published. Also, be sure to use lots of one-line paragraphs for emphasis.

Like this.

Now that your piece has been submitted and printed in the paper, you’re done, right? Wrong!

The day your name is in print is perhaps the most important day of your life. For a brief flicker in time, you’re a minor (or major, depending on how earth-shattering your musings are) celebrity on campus. You’ve got to handle yourself appropriately. While you definitely want people to know what you’ve done, you can’t just walk around asking if they’ve read your column.

Wait for someone to approach you; otherwise, you’ll come off as arrogant and boastful, which is totally not cool. When someone inevitably bows at your altar, act like it’s no big deal, like you weren’t expecting any recognition. (Though we both know you were — why else would you write the article?)

Not done yet — there’s this whole Internet business to deal with. Believe it or not, The Crimson White has a website, and people comment on the stories every day. Whatever you do, DO NOT respond to any comments on your column, regardless of whether the person agrees with you.

All that work you were doing to appear blasé? If you respond to an online comment, it’s all destroyed. The commenter may very well be wrong, and if you don’t say anything he or she will continue to be wrong, but do yourself a favor and resist the urge.

I hope this has been helpful — you’re now a member of an elite fraternity of people with opinions, and nobody can take that away from you.

John Davis is a junior majoring in muckraking.