On a brisk winter’s day, a group of hedgehogs try to huddle together to conserve body heat. But as they get closer to each other, their quills prick each other causing them to have to separate. Then another chilled gust comes through, and they try again to shelter their warmth, only to be pricked again and have to step back.
It’s a phenomenon known as the hedgehog’s dilemma, or if you’re into alliterations, the porcupine problem. It’s used as a metaphor for some issues in human intimacy. In order to really trust and connect with someone, you have to reveal parts of yourself that potentially the other person could use to hurt you. Also as you get closer with others, you have a much greater ability to hurt them.
As it cools down here in Tuscaloosa, many fall semester friendships are growing stronger, and my Facebook timeline is filled with new “in a relationship” statuses. We aren’t so different from the hedgehogs when things get chilly. “Cuffing season” is in full swing ladies and gentlemen.
The hedgehog metaphor comes from the works of Freud and Schopenhauer. Originally described in Schopenhauer’s work, Parerga und Paralipomena, “By this arrangement the mutual need of warmth is only very moderately satisfied; but then people do not get pricked. A man who has some heat in himself prefers to remain outside, where he will neither prick other people nor get pricked himself.” This was referenced in Freud’s analysis of the ego and an argument for isolationism.
As someone who struggles with anxiety and the fear of social rejection or a human’s quills it brings, I definitely understand the worries of taking that step closer and trusting someone new. My anxiety often makes my thoughts race and I wonder – what could they possibly do with that information? I want to confide in them, but what if we aren’t friends six months from now and they know this about me? So sometimes I pull myself out of the circle, and choose to rely on my own warmth to make it through in order to avoid the quills.
Walking around campus and seeing my breath in a gray fog as I exhale, I can definitely see the need for companionship to avoid this dreary weather. In no way is it fun to let my anxiety win in this situation. While you avoid the pain of being potentially rejected for something you confide in someone, you are presented with a new set of pains when you stand on the outside – loneliness, depression, jealousy and ironically more anxiety.
So lately I’ve been trying to push back against it, and try to actually trust and be honest with people. We so rarely are completely honest with each other – we often edit our confidences to be more appropriate instead of giving the full story to people. According to the Journal of Basic and Applied Psychology, in a ten minute conversation on average three out of five people will tell a lie. This editing keeps us safe from getting more rejections in sharing more details and protects our self-esteem, but we are not able to seize the full warmth of companionship when we shy away from one another. Being honest has also been proven to have health benefits for you as well; a study conducted by the American Psychological Association had two groups, a control and a group that was instructed to intentionally avoid lying in social interactions over the next ten weeks. They found that “when participants in the no-lie group told three fewer white lies than they did in other weeks, they experienced on average about four fewer mental-health complaints, such as feeling tense or melancholy, and about three fewer physical complaints, such as sore throats and headaches.”
In Freud’s visit to America, he said his two goals were to give some lectures and see a wild porcupine. The country gave him a gift of a large bronze porcupine with a fierce expression and long metal quills. George Prochnik traveled to the London Freud Museum to see this odd creature in person and writes, “I picked it up, gingerly avoiding the needle-tips, and slowly stroked my fingers across its back. To my astonishment the spines indeed produced a melodic, harp-like sound.”
When you are honest with other people, and take the chance to connect with someone else, it can build a more enriching relationship. The quills can become musical strings, as you form a more harmonious bond. You absolutely can end up pricked, not everyone you confide in is dependable. But taking the risk is worth it in order to reap the powerful benefits of companionship or the necessary warmth to make it through the winter.
Meghan Dorn is a senior majoring in public relations and political science. Her column runs biweekly.
