At a press conference in Birmingham earlier this week, newly named University of Alabama System Chancellor Robert Witt announced his goal of increasing the size of the board of trustees to 30,000 by the fall of next year.
Currently, 15 trustees sit on the board, with 14 more serving as trustees emeritus. Gov. Robert Bentley and state superintendent Thomas Bice serve as ex-officio members.
“Following a thorough review of the state of the University System, it became abundantly clear there is significant room for growth in the board of trustees,” Witt said. “Just as I did during my time as University of Alabama president, I value as many sources of input as possible.
“I believe diversity of opinion is critical to the management of a successful system. After overseeing the expansion of University properties and student enrollment grow to 30,000 since 2003, creating a more successful board of trustees was only a matter of transferring those same policies to the board.”
Sources confirmed Chancellor Witt’s assertion that the state of Alabama had ample land for purchase, both occupied and unused. Areas of particular interest include the shoreline of the Black Warrior River.
“Obviously, with swelling trustee membership, the board will need to look into ways to accommodate such a large number,” Chancellor Witt said. “By purchasing the land around the Black Warrior River, which we understand to be a coal-rich area, the board of trustees will be able power its own facilities with the energy produced from mining and burning the coal. This will make us the first-ever self-sustaining board of trustees in the United States and, possibly, the world.”
Many in attendance raised doubts over the quality of the board diminishing. Some suggested clear solutions to nuanced problems would be near impossible to identify by adding 29,985 voices to the board.
Gov. Bentley, who attended the press conference with Chancellor Witt, addressed those concerns.
“We are in the process of implementing a trustee-training program,” Bentley said. “Run through the University of Alabama, our flagship university, administrators will identify both current students and incoming freshmen who possess qualities we’ve determined to be major indicators of future administrative success. When these students graduate, they will be integrated directly into the board.”
Chancellor Witt added, “Once this occurs, the new members will move into dormitory-style facilities similar to the ones recently built on the UA campus. The UA system is in the process of purchasing buildings in the Montgomery area, which will be powered by the aforementioned coal acquired from the river.”
During a public question and answer session held at the end of the press conference, an area man asked if the newly expanded board would consider a new football stadium for UAB.
“Well, no,” Chancellor Witt responded. “At the moment, plans are in the works to build a new dome stadium in Montgomery. The board intends to field an Arena League Football team, so for the time being, the Blazers are just going to have to sit tight in Legion Field.
“Roll Tide.”
