Choosing a topic each week can become difficult after a month or so, especially when a public figure isn’t doing something profoundly stupid. New SGA President Stephen Swinson made a straightforward and reasonable first impression, the HB 56 protest Wednesday was too meager for me to bother with giving it the UA TOMS treatment, and the Crimson Tide demolished Florida in a manner that makes it very difficult to be negative about much of anything.

It then occurred to me that today is not only my birthday but also the start of Homecoming Week – which I can only conclude is some sort of divine message – and I knew immediately what I must do for the betterment of myself, the student body and the University as a whole.

Today, I am officially launching my write-in campaign to become The University of Alabama’s 2011 Homecoming Queen.

Let’s get one thing out of the way immediately: much like there’s no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball, there is also no rule that says I cannot run as a man. I know, because I did a search of something called the “Red Book” for the word “male” and came up with zero results for anything pertaining to the actual election. No, I wasn’t going to read the whole thing, because it’s 40 pages long.

Now, on to this whole “platform” thing; I tried to tailor it to specifically address the responsibilities the Homecoming Queen takes on once elected, but since no one can tell me what those actually are I’m going to make up some that seem reasonable beyond just looking pretty (which, incidentally, I can also do really well).

First, it stands to reason that the Homecoming Queen should reflect The University of Alabama as a whole. Is it realistic for the Homecoming Queen to be a beautiful, intelligent individual with serious thoughts on serious topics? Hell no! I provide the more accurate picture: a stunningly handsome individual who destroys his liver with the grit, determination and astounding frequency of the freshmen vandals in Ridgecrest South. That’s a metaphor you can believe in.

Secondly, I firmly believe that the Homecoming Queen should be capable of winning all of the competitions that occur throughout the week, from basketball to the art competition. Take a second to truly ponder this: who has a better chance of winning a dodgeball tournament, the 90-pound blonde or the guy who can throw a rubber ball the way Thor wishes he could throw Mjöllnir?

I’ve already won the pomping contest, by the way. Since I don’t actually have a job and rarely go to class, I pomped the entire exterior of my house this morning in an adderall-and-scotch induced fury. This gives me bonus points for being truly representative of the student body, because if the crowd at the Student Health Center is any indication, UA must have the largest population of ADD-stricken 18 to 22 year olds on the planet.

The art competition is a lock, too. I’m told the theme is “What does Alabama mean to me,” which is easy enough. I plan on building a miniature replica of The Retreat: a nice enough place to stay temporarily before moving on after a few years. I imagine the earnestness of it will win over the judges, because let’s be honest – there’s no way in hell I’m staying in a state governed by Mr. Bentley and populated by people who want to arrest me for looking a Mexican in the eye while they all sing “Jesus Loves the Little White Children Who Were Born in America Legally and With Proper Documentation.”

The overall theme of Homecoming this year is “The Tradition Rolls On.” Elect me Homecoming Queen and I promise to perpetuate the many traditions The University of Alabama has become known for over the last 170 years.

John Davis is a senior majoring in telecommunication and film. His column runs on Mondays.