As we arrive at football season, we arrive at another year of opinions, rants and beliefs. I could not think of a better way to open the year than to write about Auburn. This is my biased yet objective approach to Auburn and its future.

Earlier this summer, Auburn football coach Gene Chizik was given a raise and a contract extension after the Tigers miraculously won the national championship. His raise places his salary at $3.5 million (up to $4.5 million with incentives) a year through 2015. This is the absolute dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life, which is an accomplishment.

List of other dumb things I’ve heard:

1. “I don’t like sweet tea.”

2. “It’s just a water moccasin.”

3. “Nah, you can go left on red.”

4. Anything out of Michelle Bachmann’s mouth.

Trust me. The list is much longer, and I am possibly forgetting some priceless material. I also know that many people/barners – hopefully no one reading this paper – may think that I am idiotic. Before you say anything.

1. Dude, he won a national championship.

Oh wait, did he? I am almost positive I stated that in the second sentence. I agree, readers. That is a miraculous accomplishment. I am sure that his leadership, determination and damn good looks secured his place among the gods. He had to coach a poor, young quarterback to be an elite Heisman winner. He had to whip in to shape a malnourished, humble nose tackle to become one of the country’s best and still most humble. He called the plays, he made the shots, and he won the games.

If you have not been alerted to the sarcasm yet, I truly pity your life as an individual. I have never seen a coach so disconnected from the earnings of a team in my short twenty years on this earth. The offense’s success was thanks to Cam Newton and Gus Malzahn. The defense’s lack of success and minor victories were thanks to Nick Fairley only. Gomer Pyle could have coached this team to a national championship and would have been much more entertaining to watch.

2. Bro, he’s been recruiting well

Rivals.com has ranked Auburn in the top ten in recruitment over the past two years (#4 in 2010 and #7 in 2011). Okay, that is decent. However, their rival, Alabama (#5 in 2010 and #1 in 2011) has still outperformed them in this aspect. The only proof of how Chizik handles recruits once on campus is at Iowa State – the Vanderbilt of the Big 12 who cannot even pride itself on academics.

Sure, the recruits look like potential NFL prospects, but giving a raise and an extension before knowing what will become of the first classes of the fighting Chiziks is beyond me.

Georgia is ranked #2 in the nation over the past ten years in recruiting. What do they have to show for it? The answer is nothing.

Alabama, which floundered in mediocracy for much of the 2000s, rebounded off the growth and development of a few strong recruiting classes. It is in the cards for Auburn, but it would have been wise to let things play out before offering the raise and extension. I doubt Chizik would have left the place if not offered a raise.

3. He sends us personalized e-mails

Nothing infuriates me more than when Auburn fans spew the words ‘at least our coach cares enough to email us,’ especially when the sad soul believes the e-mail is in some way personalized. There could not be more things wrong with that sentence. If generic wordplay most likely written by a Farmhouse athletic department intern gets you going, you should prepare for a life full of TV dinners and disappointment.

Secondly, who the hell needs an e-mail to validate anything concerning football? I know that Auburn is “All In” on their idea of being a “family,” but I would much rather have a coach than a Jim Jones-esque circus of a cult. Next thing you know, he will write a book also personalized for all of his fans. Oh wait, he already did.

P.S. Should I even begin with this year’s schedule? I saw a more positive outlook in “The Perfect Storm.” If you haven’t seen it, everyone dies.