I don’t know if anyone really reads these to learn a life lesson. Everyone here has graduated high school and already knows what it’s like to be yourself and say goodbye to friends.

In my senior column, I’m going to rank some of the bathrooms in Tuscaloosa. I couldn’t hit them all because I’m trying to adhere to a word limit.

As a guy who avoids awkward situations by escaping to the bathroom for a few minutes, I’ve spent a lot of time in Tuscaloosa bathrooms. They can be a great place to recollect your thoughts or emotions and get back to running speed.

There are a few categories of bathrooms that I’ll be reviewing, and they fall into one of three categories:

Throwbacks. These bathrooms aren’t around anymore, so if you’re trying to check them out, they’re long gone.

Bad ones. Speak for themselves.

Good ones. These bathrooms don’t exist. Go to a private school or go home if you want a nice bathroom in college.

Throwback: High Tide bathroom. This bathroom is terrible. The men’s room didn’t have a door for a while, and for my buddies who like to drop their pants while they pee standing up, this was a lot of unwanted attention.  

Bad: Gorgas Library bathrooms. If you ever wondered where you could find a time machine that only let you visit bathrooms from the 1950s, look no further than Amelia Gayle Gorgas Library.

Bad: Bruno Library bathrooms. The men’s bathroom on the second floor has one stall that’s always closed, and I’m not sure if the door sticks or if there’s always someone in there. To avoid stall-gap eye contact, I’ve never tried the door. If someone is always in there, it could be the best toilet in town, but I couldn’t speak from experience. Also, all of the accounting majors Juul in this bathroom, so take a break somewhere else.

Bad: Moe’s Original. This is what I would consider a bathroom with a high “clog factor.” If you hold up the bathroom in the back room, you’ll have a line of 20 guys staring you down for a walk of shame. If you use the one in the front, people can see your shoes while you poop.

Bad: The Booth. If you poop here, get ready to second-hand smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. Also, people seem to use the stalls in pairs here.

Bad: Innisfree. The only place on earth where there’s always a longer line for the men’s bathroom than the women’s. I can only speak for the men’s room, but you keep your eyes on your shoes and try to avoid the guy from your econ class freshman year who thinks you’re friends. WOAT. I can only assume the women have the same amount of people waiting, but they’re creating a fire hazard by piling into the bathroom to hype each other up.

Throwback: Galettes. Best you’ll find in town after the renovations. Before renovations, you had to wash your hands under candlelight. Romantic, but not the right time or place.

Bad: Bear Trap. No mirror in the bathroom to take inventory of your situation, very detrimental to the success of an outing.

Bad: Rounders. God bless you.

Bad: Chuck’s Fish. Great place to network, art is alright, not classy enough to match the restaurant.

Bad: Quick Grill. Yes, it exists. Had to do some investigative journalism to confirm. Yes, it is as bad as you think. Go around the back. Wave at the cooks and point in any direction. Say “bathroom” and they’ll guide you two steps to their best-kept secret.