The time for spring intramural sports is upon us, and while a few sports have already gotten underway, the wide variety of sports offered in the spring can feel a bit overwhelming. I’ve compiled this handy guide to help students ease into the fun and (overly) competitive environment of intramural sports.

First on the list: basketball. The thing about basketball is that seemingly everyone played it competitively for at least a season or two; thus, getting a team together isn’t too hard, which makes basketball one of the more accessible intramural sports to jump into.

The problem lies in the fact that there are entirely too many people who at one point in time were the stars of their basketball teams. Guaranteed to be among the ranks at any given game is the player who shows up wearing his high school practice jersey.

This is someone you have to watch out for – he’s hyper-aggressive and more than likely got in a shouting match with a teammate regarding who gets to be #5. He’ll yell at you, the other team, the refs and even himself if he’s shooting below 50 percent from the 3-point line (which is likely, because he’ll chuck it from downtown on a whim; that is, if he isn’t driving wildly into the lane).

If the team you’re playing shows up without this guy, you should be ok; just watch out for the fat guy who started on his varsity team because he was also three inches taller than everyone else. Chances are, he won’t know how to move, and you’re going to end up sitting in front of the television with a pack of frozen peas on the lump you’re going to get from posting him up.

Indoor soccer – a personal favorite – is one of the more pretentious sports in which you can partake. I say pretentious because lifelong soccer players tend to try to remind you of that fact without actually saying anything. Old warm-up track pants, fancy shoes, tournament T-shirts, and even actual club jerseys can be expected.

The lifer is very similar to the basketball star in many respects, save for the fact that he is in all likelihood a smug elitist. The problem with this guy, though, is that he probably wasn’t even a star back in the day (something you’ll notice when he constantly gets beaten).

One last thing about soccer: if you choose to participate, and you have long, crazy hair, you are Cobi Jones, Carlos Valderrama, or Alexi Lalas, depending on the springiness of your locks. This is your fate – embrace it.

Softball can be fun, but is also prone to host former baseball jocks who are, in my opinion, the worst kind of former jocks, especially if they recently transferred from a junior college and failed to make the University’s varsity team. “Angry Young Guy” is the one you’ll encounter most frequently on an intramural field; for more, go find “Jim Rome on Softball Guy.”

Lightning Round!

Tennis Doubles: for when you really, really want to destroy a friendship. Badminton Doubles: for those who prefer a shuttlecock to balls.

Four-on-four flag football: Like normal flag football…with three less people? I don’t know; this just seems like a whole lot of running.

Racquetball: for those who saw a tennis match and thought: “You know what this needs? A giant wall, right in the middle of the court.”

Kickball: for those perpetually stuck in the third grade and think a softball is too small to catch.

Golf Doubles: Exclusively for business majors.

Ultimate Frisbee: Do you know what I’ve discovered about myself since I’ve been in college? I am so all about Ultimate Frisbee.

John Davis is a junior majoring in how to lose friends and alienate people.