Gravity. How does it work? Every massive particle in the universe attracts every other massive particle with a force, which is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. That is, if you believe Isaac Newton. But why would you? I mean, is there any better way to impress on the world that you are an uneducated Luddite than to express your belief in the theory that the equation for acceleration due to gravity is 9.8 meters per second squared? It’s always a touchy subject to question someone’s fundamental belief in why things fall to the ground. After all, it is a matter of “life and death.” Think about it — a skydiver jumps out of an airplane with a parachute. Why? Because he is set in the belief that, if he does not have a parachute, he will die upon impacting the ground. But there is clear evidence to the contrary. In 1972, an airline stewardess fell 33,000 feet and survived. While this should be enough to prove to anyone that the pseudo-science behind gravity is incorrect, I do understand that some are so steadfast in their convictions on gravity that they choose to ignore even the most blatantly obvious refutations of it. For those reading who are still shaking their heads, what if I told you even Isaac Newton himself didn’t believe in his own theory? Isaac Newton: “No great discovery was ever made… a bold guess.” There you have it folks, straight from the horse’s mouth. It’s hard to argue with the man whose mere existence is the sole pillar upon which this gravity nonsense stands. Also, it’s hard to argue with a man who’s been dead for 283 years. Now, at this point I realize a lot of science has been thrown around and some of you out there may be confused. For this reason, I will now provide a single example and thought experiment. Any more than that and I risk losing you again to confusion. Anyone who has taken a physics course knows that Newton’s gravity nonsense is known as “Newton’s ‘law’ of universal gravitation.” Universal gravitation — think about that. By definition, this means the entire universe, including all stars, planets, moons, etc. must follow the guidelines set forth by Newton. But think about this: objects on the moon do not behave in the same manner as they do on Earth. Likewise for Venus, Jupiter, Pluto and countless other objects in space. Clearly there is some other force at work. Schroder’s cat, a famous thought experiment, involves a cat inside a box with a piano. Now, after a while, the cat is simultaneously playing the piano and not playing the piano. It is only when one peeks into the box that one sees either the cat playing or not playing. The paradox lies in the fact that cats cannot play the piano. If you were to believe Isaac Newton, anything that can press down on a piano key with enough force is technically playing the piano.

Plenty of academic types have also taken up arms against Newton. Corey Craft, who has a theoretical degree in physics from Adams College, had this to say in a telephone interview: “As Albert Einstein said, ‘You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.’ Well, that definitely involves two objects being attracted to one another, which is the whole basis for gravity, so it seems Newton’s ‘law’ was nothing more than an elaborate 18th century pick-up line.”

Consider gravity debunked. Now, the obvious question is: if it isn’t gravity, what brings objects together?

Easy — Rock n’ Roll.

John Davis is a junior majoring in inception.