Dear Parking and Transportation Services,

In all of elementary, middle and high school, I was never allowed to be a hall monitor. From a very young age I showed extreme attention to detail and a great love of telling my peers, and any adult who would listen, what to do. I’m sure I could have mastered the necessary shouts, including “Slow down” or “Come on, keep moving. Nothing to see here” or “Let me see that hall pass, young person.” As Sheryl Sandberg, author of “Lean In,” would remind us, I was not bossy. I just demonstrated executive leadership skills at an early age. Yes, it is a shame that La Madera Elementary School did not take advantage of my dedication and persistence to make the passing periods between 1990-96 safer for all of us. However, today a real wrong can be made right with the help of your department.

I humbly request to be granted the authority to inform University of Alabama community members of their parking and moving violations on campus. If you’re thinking that this is a big step up from telling kindergartners not to run on the pavement, you’re right. But over the years, I’ve grown a lot in my executive leadership skills. Most notably, my lung capacity is much greater, and I can yell with much more intensity. Additionally, my peers seem to love transversing our beautiful walking campus via their motorized vehicles, despite the conveniences of the Crimson Ride bus system. Thus, the roads are the real hazards and home to the rebel scholars of The University of Alabama.

To aptly demonstrate my keen attention to the problem motorist, I’d like to illuminate an infraction I silently observed recently and the proposed action I would take if granted such authority. Monday, as I was returning from my 9:45 a.m. coffee break at Dunkin’ Donuts at Lakeside (don’t even get me started on a lack of dining halls open between 9:30-10:30. Maybe we’ll chat next week, @BamaDining), I noticed a car deliberately entering the Blount and Paty parking lot through the very clearly marked exit only lane. Parking Services, you have done a great job clearly indicating with plenty of signs and permanent road cones, and I understand you can’t be everywhere all at once. This is why I come to you offering help.

If granted such authority as I have requested, I would easily be able to call out, “Excuse me, scholar, just a moment! You have followed incorrect driving procedures. In order to make the roads safe for all individuals, motorist and pedestrian traffic alike, we have entered into a social contract in which we have agreed to abide by all regulations, which include driving in the correct direction and in the correct lane at all times. By driving into this parking lot via the incorrect lane, you have violated this contract and thus your promise to the University.” At this point, I’d all but encourage an existential identity crisis. The next step is obvious: “Scholar, please exit the parking lot, and then, using the correct procedure, enter it again. Yes, now, I’ll wait.”

Can you imagine the educational impact of not only myself, but also a team of monitors out to help in this way? It is very exciting. I believe that a reflective vest, crimson sash and a clipboard would be appropriate uniform for an office of this caliber.

Thank you for considering my request.

Michelle Fuentes is a Ph.D. candidate in political theory. Her column runs weekly.