When I came to the University of Alabama, it was hard to adjust to college academic standards. I would find myself rushing to class, missing homework and cramming late into the night for exams. I found that slacking off was actually more stressful than diligent study! Then one day, glancing over Spark Notes ten minutes before a test, it hit me: I had always been a lazy procrastinator slacking, but my techniques were improvised, uncalculated and sloppy. What I needed was a new, refined system of slacking: The Downing Method of Procrastination.
Three years ago, the Downing Method became the first formal theory of academic evasion. It takes the habits natural to every slacker and gives them structure and purpose. It involved careful study of course syllabi to discover loopholes in professors’ attendance policies, systematic flattery to get on a teacher’s good side and even developed a seating theory to go unnoticed in any classroom, from the lecture halls of Bidgood to the seminar rooms of Lloyd. I found that the correct use of ambiguous language can produce a doctor’s note for any made up condition, and a well-placed off-topic question could easily burn 20 minutes of class time with a discussion of Che Guevara’s facial hair.
The Method soon grew larger than I had ever dreamed. Today, the techniques of refined slacking are practiced from the pasty nerds of the Honors cluster to the jocks of greek row. The community has developed a new course catalogue organized by attendance policy, regularly meets to discuss the latest exam make-up loopholes and has even designed a brail overlay for cell phone keypads to make in-class texting possible under the most vigilant teacher’s nose.
Sometimes they work together — groups of students often send a mole into a class to alert the other others (who wait ready in the hallway) if attendance is being taken or a pop quiz given that day.
But systematic time wasting is not a new phenomenon. Figures from Abraham Lincoln to J.K. Rowling have carefully used their leverage and resources to put off even vitally important work for years at a time, proudly pissing off everybody. It is well known among historians that Genghis Khan only conquered nations to avoid doing his calligraphy homework.
“A minute wasted is a minute earned.” With this motto, I have attended class 11 times this semester and have a 4.0 GPA. I regularly get 13 hours of sleep and am carrying on four separate relationships. I only hope that the Downing Method will continue to grow on this campus, and even beyond, until students around the nation are leaving no hour unnecessarily put to good use. Perhaps one day, universities will even have official Procrastination Advisors to help students get the least out of their education. There is no limit to we can’t do.
